The Ultimate MAP for Applying Mindfulness to Parenting

The Mindful Attachment Parenting approach is the MAP for learning how to effectively apply mindfulness to your everyday parenting.

Mindful Attachment Parenting and Mindfulness

There are many different parenting philosophies to choose from and mindful parenting is relatively new on the scene. It is an evidence-based model because it has been proven to support parents in helping their children to build a secure attachment. And you have probably heard of attachment parenting, but how does it and other approaches actually relate to attachment theory? In order to address these questions we first have to cover some key concepts and definitions related to mindful parenting and attachment in general. As a result, you will see that there is a gap between attachment parenting and attachment theory. Likewise, there is a gap between attachment parenting and mindful parenting. In response, I created the Mindful Attachment Parenting approach, also known as the Zen Mommy MAP, to bridge both of these gaps. Accordingly, the MAP is the next frontier in parenting psychology. Because it teaches you when to do what—and how to effectively apply mindfulness to parenting.

The concept of mindfulness and its many benefits

Mindfulness is a buzz word we hear about in many arenas now, not just in spiritual circles or in a yoga class.  Probably because it is where science, spirituality, and life all converge and it is a way of being that seems to have an endless list of benefits. In fact, there has been a lot of research on mindfulness since Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn began teaching Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) in 1979.  And the science has shown that the benefits of mindfulness include things like: stress reduction, improved concentration, better memory retention, reduced repetitive thoughts, less emotional reactivity, more mental flexibility, higher level of relationship satisfaction, etc. The list of goodies goes on and on. But what is mindfulness exactly and how can you apply it to parenting?

What does it mean to be mindful?

Mindfulness helps you find your balance in parenthood and in life in general. But what is mindfulness? Simply put, it is choosing to be aware. It is the capacity to be fully present with your moment-to-moment experience, as it is unfolding, without your mind trying to make it different. To master mindfulness, we have to learn to be aware of what is present in our consciousness—without judgment. This means mind without mind and as you experience things as they actually are in the present. Then, you do not have any preconceived ideas, judgments or emotional reactions to them. And this allows you to pause. So you can access the space between what is happening and how you choose to respond to it. Because you are cultivating the ability to witness your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—rather than just operating on autopilot.

Mindfulness as it relates to parenting

Being a parent is an amazing job and children are an incredible blessing in my eyes. However, there are days that I know it can be overwhelming and feel thankless in moments. And that is when mindfulness can keep you healthy, balanced, and on point, as the best parent you can be. Truly, practicing mindfulness has an array of fantastic benefits. However, research shows that there is a difference for the children who have parents that use mindfulness individually and those who directly apply mindfulness to parenting. In fact, the children, who had parents using mindfulness in child rearing, reported lower levels of anxiety, depression, and acting out. The bottom line is: Applying mindfulness to parenting builds a more secure attachment. But before we can go into more detail about how to apply mindfulness to parenting, we need to look at some of its main components.

Your stress response and parenting

Mindful parenting is a parenting approach that is grounded in neuroscience. Dr. Dan Siegel, a leading psychiatrist, explains that during stressful parenting situations, we may “flip our lids.” Then we are reacting from what he calls the “downstairs” brain or the reptilian brain responsible for our survival instincts. Once we lose the connection to our “lid” or prefrontal cortex (the “upstairs brain”), logical thought is blocked. Luckily, we can use mindfulness to get our “upstairs” brain back online. And by modeling for our children how to mindfully turn off that stress alarm and manage our stress response—we can be sensitively responsive instead of reactive. As a result, we self-regulate and then that coregulates our child’s emotions. Over time, this process rewires your brain and keeps you in calm connection with your kiddo.

Being able to hit the pause button so you can respond rather than react

This is the difference between being able to thoughtfully respond versus reacting in a difficult moment. It all depends on which part of your brain is running the show. The amygdala is the part of our brain that gets activated during stress and is fundamental to our stress response. Known as the fight, flight, or freeze mechanism, this is the body’s stress alarm system. But our stress receptors cannot always distinguish between real or imagined dangers. And sometimes our stress response gets triggered by events that are not actually life threatening. Like when you start reacting to your toddler spilling juice all over the car like you would react if you were being chased by a lion. When this happens, pausing and taking deep breaths works because oxygen cues the amygdala to calm down. We all get triggered as parents, but we can pause and mindfully reconnect to our zen.

Self-regulation leads to coregulation for your children

It is important to remember that the first step of co-regulation is self-regulation. Mindfulness helps you to really know yourself. Through learning to become an observer of your thoughts, emotions, and body sensations, your self-awareness grows. Being curious about what messages they may be offering allows you to really “hear” yourself in a meaningful way. This feedback is so valuable! When parenting mindfully, you need to know the who, what, where, when, and why of your triggers. And the trick is to link the triggering incident in the present to unfinished business from your past. By reflecting on this, you access your “upstairs brain” and can respond mindfully. In fact, this is the inner work that assists us in holding all of this as separate in awareness. When we take responsibility for what is unresolved in us, it does not get passed down to our children through mirror neurons.

Mirror neurons and attachment

Mirror neurons are neurons in the brain that fire when you perform or see someone perform an action. When we watch someone help an elderly person carry groceries, for example, the same mirror neurons fire in our brain, as if we were doing it ourselves. And, of course, eye contact is how we bond with our babies while those neurons are firing from all the coos of love. Clearly, mirror neurons play a profound role in our ability to attune to our children’s mental and emotional states. But when we are emotionally triggered, we become preoccupied. In this state, we are unable to stay mindfully connected, and our children start soaking up our old psychic stuff as their brains read our facial expressions, which evoke the same emotions within them that we are feeling. As a result, being reflective makes all the difference in what our children inherit psychologically from us.

Parenting mindfully means being reflective

Parenting mindfully helps us attune to what our children are needing emotionally, which builds secure attachments through a “felt” connection. Being attuned to and responsive to your children makes them feel secure that their needs will get met. However, we have to sort out our own feelings and take care of our own unmet needs first. The ability to do this requires the skill of “reflective functioning,” which is the process of reflecting on why something is triggering you. It is exploring the question, “What do I know about this?” Because then, the past can be healed because you are making meaning out of it. The objective is to use reflective functioning to do the inner work necessary to heal unfinished business from your own childhood. Also, there are concepts and practices related to attachment that are important for parents to understand as well.

The difference between attachment theory and attachment parenting

You have probably heard a lot of things about attachment parenting—good and bad. When I was pregnant, my belly seemed like a beacon for unsolicited advice from everyone and even strangers in Wholefoods. However, it is so important for mamas-to-be to research everything for themselves. And to learn to trust their mother’s intuition. So many people said that I would spoil my daughter if I breastfed on demand or if I did not let her cry it out. Luckily, my mama gut and knowledge of attachment theory told me—you can’t spoil an infant. In fact, the evidence-based way to build a secure attachment is to be sensitively responsive to our children’s needs and cues for comfort. But the sea of media misnomers about attachment parenting and its relationship to attachment theory can be confusing. Which is why the MAP addresses this and teaches you how to confidently navigate building a secure bond.

How does attachment work?

Attachment theory has its roots in the work of John Bowlby, a psychiatrist who worked with children with emotional problems. In fact, he recognized that they had experienced abusive or negligent caregiving. As a result of his observations, he theorized that the primary caregiver serves as a kind of “psychic organizer” for the child. And that children also need affection and emotional attunement from caregivers to thrive. Because attachment is a biological instinct for infants to stay as close to the caregiver as possible for emotional regulation, safety, and survival. Thus, this theory states that when a primary caregiver is consistent with being sensitively responsive to their child’s needs, a secure attachment develops. Consequently, whether we are attuned and connected or not to our children determines if they become securely or insecurely attached. And this will form their inner “relationship template” for future relationships.

Signs of a secure attachment

Bowlby’s work was expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth who developed the experimental method called the “Strange Situation.” During this study, mothers played with their children in a playroom. Then, they would leave and return a few minutes later. Meanwhile, Ainsworth observed how the babies reacted both to the mother’s leaving and the reunion. As a result, she identified different secure and insecure attachment styles. The securely attached children regarded their mothers as a “safe haven” from which they could confidently explore their environment. And they did not get too distressed when the mother left and received her warmly when she returned. In contrast, the insecurely attached children either ignored the returning mother, cried inconsolably, or a combination of both. Following the study, they found that those who were securely attached went on to become well-balanced young adults. But those who were insecurely attached had a much rockier road throughout life.

What is attachment parenting exactly?

Attachment parenting is an approach that includes seven specific child-rearing practices. Introduced by Dr. William Sears and his wife RN Martha Sears, it features the “Seven B’s”: Birth bonding, Breastfeeding, Baby wearing, Bedding close to baby, Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry, Beware of baby trainers, and Balance. In fact, they adopted Ainsworth’s term of "maternal sensitivity" and refer to it as “baby-reading”—which results in a state of harmony between parent and child. However, some professionals have criticized it claiming that it is not based on research like attachment theory. Their main argument is that the practices do not guarantee a secure attachment. But if the parent stays attuned and is not just going through the motions, then the practices help set the stage to build a secure bond. And I have discovered that mindfulness is the missing link between attachment theory and attachment parenting.

Attachment parenting practices have to be done mindfully to maintain the parent-child connection

Attachment parenting is “child-centered” rather than “parent-centered” parenting. Because parents are encouraged to read the cues of their babies, which makes them that safe haven so important from an attachment theory’s point of view. And the “Seven B’s” are all practices that are biologically designed to foster closeness and connection. But how does a parent maintain the presence to stay emotionally attuned if preoccupied with unresolved issues, triggers, or life in general? The truth is that attachment parenting practices have to be accompanied by the application of mindfulness—in order for a felt connection to occur and be maintained. And Mindful Attachment Parenting is an approach that combines both the inner and the outer practices necessary to ensure a secure attachment.

The MAP bridges the gap between attachment parenting and attachment theory

The MAP emphasizes self-care and mindfulness exercises to support parents in being able to use attachment parenting practices from a place of authentic attunement. Because baby-reading is predicated upon being able to be present. As a result, presence and applying mindfulness to parenting are foundational to parenting in a sensitively responsive way. And if the stress of doing any of these practices is compromising the connection too much for too long, the attachment could suffer. With that in mind, none of the attachment parenting practice should come at the cost of keeping the felt connection between you and your child. But you have to be able to apply mindfulness to parenting moment to moment to stay connected—And the MAP shows you how to bridge the gap!

The MAP for applying mindfulness to parenting in your day to day family life

As we all know, keeping our parenting zen can be difficult and our mileage may vary each day. To make it easier, I came up with ways to demystify how to apply mindfulness to parenting. Because this approach means you maintain a non-judgmental awareness of your relationship with yourself and your children. Remember that staying connected to your inner zen is a lot simpler with a robust self-care routine that includes mindfulness practices, because if you are feeling disconnected and exhausted it can be a rough road to finding your zen place as a parent. And you can use these Four Zen Mommy MAP Mainstays for successfully integrating mindfulness into parenting and having more parenting calm and confidence: Focus on Your Breath to Find Your Inner Pause Button, Use Narration to Stay in Your Inner Witness Mode, Remain Present to Mindfully Manage Your Stress Response, and Reflect to Connect for Coregulation.

The Four Zen Mommy Mainstays

The Four Zen Mommy MAP Mainstays are designed to make it easier to incorporate mindfulness into your daily parenting routine. Use these powerful methods to support you in masterfully applying mindfulness to parenting—and to help ensure a secure attachment and a lot more family zen!

Zen Mommy MAP Mainstay #1: Focus on Your Breath to Find Your Inner Pause Button

Being able to find and press your inner pause button during a stressful situation is the secret sauce of ending reactive parenting. Because without that space in between what happens and how we respond to it—we can not make a conscious choice and are at the mercy of our unconscious knee-jerk reactions. But how do we actually access this magical inner remote control and slow things down in stressful situations? The easiest way to slow things down is to simply focus on slowing your breath down.

Whenever you feel lost or stressed as a parent….take a breath!

To instantly find your inner pause button—Just breathe!  I know, I know it sounds too basic. But it is science really. Remember oxygen tells your brain to chillax. Then it is much easier to press your inner pause button and make the choice you really want to make instead of just reacting.

Try this: Take A Square Breath

Taking a square breath balances your nervous system because it is nature’s antidote to stress.  And it brings your awareness back to the present so you can slow whatever is happening down by hitting your inner pause button: Inhale slowly for a count of eight, hold it for a count of eight and then slowly exhale for the same count of eight and then wait another count of eight before taking your next breath. Repeat as needed.


Zen Mommy MAP Mainstay #2: Use Narration to Stay in Your Inner Witness Mode

It is helpful to think of your inner witness as an unbiased narrator of the story of your life as it unfolds. This requires that we learn to be in touch with what is present inside and outside of us moment to moment. And it sets the stage for being able to narrate and slow things down when your little one is escalating. As soon as you feel stress building with your child, you can switch from inner narration to narrating out loud. Narrating what you are noticing, thinking, and feeling helps regulate your emotions and your child’s. In fact, all of the parts of parenting mindfully are like different muscles that need to be worked out so the whole “body’ is strong. And you have probably already noticed that each skill builds upon other ones.

Try This: Use Narration

Cultivate your inner witness by learning to narrate on the inside and out loud. And discover how much easier it is to parent more mindfully. Picture this. There you are, going about your parenting day and your child seems to go from zero to sixty for no apparent reason. But before you can ask yourself, “Wait, what just happened?” You need to buy yourself some time to intervene before things escalate further and to sort it out. First and foremost, begin to narrate what is happening and intentionally slow everything and your breath way down. You have now moved into mindfulness and have hit the inner pause button. Essentially, you are mindfully pulling all of your presence into the now moment.

First narrate your inner experience to yourself inside your head: Start by narrating in your head what you notice about what you are thinking and feeling. It might be something like: “Wow I am really frustrated right now and wish I could just clock-out instead of dealing with this meltdown!” Notice how just acknowledging your thoughts and feelings has a calming effect. No judgement here (we all have those thoughts and feelings sometimes but WE are not those passing thoughts and feelings).

Then, narrate what is happening out loud for your child: The next step is to narrate out loud to help your child calm down too. You could say something like, “You are really upset and Mommy does not know why. Mommy is going to take really deep belly breaths so she can calm down and help you calm down too. And then we can try to figure it out.”  This is what cultivating the witness looks like in real time during a mama drama moment. Remember that narration is a way for us to find our parenting zen when things break down all of a sudden. And it cultivates our inner witness and models to our children how to handle stressful situations mindfully.

Zen Mommy MAP Mainstay #3: Remain Present to Mindfully Manage Your Stress response

Mindfully staying present is a simple concept that can be incredibly challenging to actually do moment to moment. Because sometimes modern life can feel so out-of-balance and hectic with family responsibilities, work commitments, appointments, housework, etc.—along with all the distractions of the digital age. And one busy, stressful day can easily turn into another. All without us remembering to have the presence of mind to actually be mindful. In truth, staying present is the result of intention. We have to first learn to be aware and then we have to truly intend to maintain that awareness by staying present. And once you get the hang of it, you will find that it is your new favorite “mommy’s little helper”. Because it will help you parent with a lot more zen and it will keep you connected to your best self and your children.

Being present as a parent is necessary in order for our children to form a secure attachment

A secure attachment is built when a caregiver is sensitively responsive to the physical and emotional needs of a child. However, this requires that we stay present in order to stay connected. Being attuned to and responsive to your children makes them feel secure that their needs will get met. And this gives children the “felt” experience of being seen and heard. As a result, they develop a sense of inner self-worth. This boils down to being willing and able to be with our own thoughts and emotions. Then we can be present to be with and accept the feelings that our children experience as they arise. Because by being present and accepting of “what is” in each moment—you will be able to respond the way you really want to and avoid taking the parenting low road.

Try This: Grounding Exercise

Whenever you feel ungrounded and not present begin to bring your awareness back into the moment by following the flow of your breath. Then start to notice how many colors you can find in the room or wherever you are. How many different hues does each color have? What kind of depth or texture does each color exhibit? Just notice. And remember to pay attention to your breath and feel your belly expand as you inhale slowly.

Then, allow your exhale to release and wiggle your toes feeling your feet connect with the ground. Next, check and see if your awareness is now in the present. Going through this process helps bring your nervous system back into the present moment from the place inside you where you experienced something unprocessed in the past—or something you are worrying about in the future. Try this grounding exercise the next time you are aware that you do not feel present and watch how your ability to stay mindfully present grows.

Zen Mommy MAP Mainstay #4: Reflect to Connect for Coregulation

Many modern parents are struggling with having their minds “full” with all the business of life rather than being able to be mindful about how they really want to parent. When we are operating on automatic pilot, we can sometimes feel stressed, anxious, depressed, out of sync, and/or exasperated. But remember that by building our mindfulness muscles, we start to find our inner pause button and can narrate to stay in our inner witness mode and also remain present to manage our stress response.

Then, we gain that precious space between what is happening and how we respond to it. As a result, we can Reflect to Connect for Coregulation next. Being reflective will help you connect the dots between what is happening and why it might be triggering you. This brings you back into the present and back into connection with your child. And through this process you are better able to self-regulate and then, coregulate their emotions. Because now you will be able to maintain an empathic connection rather than have things escalate for both of you.

When we Reflect to Connect for Coregulation the past can be healed in real time

When we make meaning out of a triggering event, we start to resolve it and are far less likely to project it onto or pass it down to our children. Then we can see them as the separate selves they truly are rather than as an extension of ourselves—and we come back into the present and reconnect. As a Zen Mommy, the goal is to Reflect to Connect for Coregulation and to commit to doing the inner work necessary to take care of our unfinished business. It is the path of healing generational family karma. Remember that research indicates that parental reflective capacity is positively correlated with secure attachments. Thus, the more parents Reflect to Connect for Coregulation, the more securely attached their children will be. And those children are more likely to grow up to raise more securely attached children. A gift that will keep on giving across generations!

Try This: The Reflect to Connect for Coregulation  process

How do you use that inner pause button to take it to the next level of consciously choosing how you want to mindfully respond? You take the next step and Reflect to Connect for Coregulation. This is where you start increasing your parental reflective capacity. And the main feature is reflecting on why you are triggered or why something your child is doing is triggering. It is asking the question inside: “What do I know about this?” Or “Is this feeling familiar?”

Going through this process helps bring your nervous system back into the present from the place inside you where you experienced something upsetting in the past. And this works because when we make meaning out of things, we regulate our mental and emotional states, which allows us to coregulate our kiddos via the mirror neurons. In a literal sense, mirror neurons allow us to feel what others are feeling—good or bad. “Bad” feelings or big feelings (what they really are) are only bad when they remain unprocessed, often fueling acting-out behavior. The next time a difficult parenting moment is going down—try this process and notice how much less stress and more mindfulness you have!

The MAP is designed to help you apply mindfulness to parenting every step of the way

One of the most powerful Mindful Attachment Parenting mantras to keep in mind is: “Connection not perfection!” Because staying connected to ourselves and our children and remaining present to sensitively respond to their needs—is what actually builds a secure attachment. Truly, you will notice that the more you use the MAP approach—the more applying mindfulness to your everyday parenting—will become like second nature to you. As a result, you and your whole family will level up to greater thriving and overall zen!

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Categories: : Holistic Psychology, Mindful Attachment Parenting