Bridging the Attachment Theory and Attachment Parenting Gap

Molly Holmes, LMFT Author

Posted On May 14, 2021 |

Learn how the Mindful Attachment Parenting approach ensures a secure attachment by keeping you in calm connection with your children.

Attachment Theory vs Attachment Parenting

You have probably heard a lot of things about Attachment Parenting—good and bad. When I was pregnant, my belly seemed like a beacon for unsolicited advice from everyone and even strangers in Wholefoods. However, it is so important for mamas-to-be to research everything for themselves. And to learn to trust their mother’s intuition. So many people said that I would spoil my daughter if I breastfed on demand or if I did not let her cry it out. Luckily, my mama gut and knowledge of Attachment Theory told me—you can’t spoil an infant. In fact, the evidence-based way to build a secure attachment is to be sensitively responsive to our children’s needs and cues for comfort. But the sea of media misnomers about Attachment Parenting and its relationship to Attachment Theory can be confusing. Which is why Mindful Attachment Parenting, also known as the Zen Mommy MAP—teaches you how to confidently navigate building a secure bond.

You are your baby’s first relationship that shapes all future relationships

Attachment Theory has its roots in the work of John Bowlby, a psychiatrist who worked with children with emotional problems. In fact, he recognized that they had experienced abusive or negligent caregiving. As a result of his observations, he theorized that the primary caregiver serves as a kind of “psychic organizer” for the child. And that children also need affection and emotional attunement from caregivers to thrive. Because attachment is a biological instinct for infants to stay as close to the caregiver as possible for emotional regulation, safety, and survival. Thus, this theory states that when a primary caregiver is consistent with being sensitively responsive to their child’s needs, a secure attachment develops. Consequently, whether we are attuned and connected or not to our children determines if they become securely or insecurely attached. And this will form their inner “relationship template” for future relationships. 

Signs of a secure attachment

Bowlby’s work was expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth who developed the experimental method called the “Strange Situation.” During this study, mothers played with their children in a playroom. Then, they would leave and return a few minutes later. Meanwhile, Ainsworth observed how the babies reacted both to the mother’s leaving and the reunion. As a result, she identified different secure and insecure attachment styles. The securely attached children regarded their mothers as a “safe haven” from which they could confidently explore their environment. And they did not get too distressed when the mother left and received her warmly when she returned. In contrast, the insecurely attached children either ignored the returning mother, cried inconsolably, or a combination of both. Following the study, they found that those who were securely attached went on to become well-balanced young adults. But those who were insecurely attached had a much rockier road throughout life.

What is Attachment Parenting exactly?

Attachment Parenting is an approach that includes seven specific child-rearing practices. Introduced by Dr. William Sears and his wife RN Martha Sears, it features the “Seven B’s”: Birth bonding, Breastfeeding, Baby wearing, Bedding close to baby, Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry, Beware of baby trainers, and Balance. In fact, they adopted Ainsworth’s term of "maternal sensitivity" and refer to it as “baby-reading”—which results in a state of harmony between parent and child. However, some professionals have criticized it claiming that it is not based in research like Attachment Theory. Their main argument is that the practices do not guarantee a secure attachment. But if the parent stays attuned and is not just going through the motions, then the practices help set the stage to build a secure bond. And I have discovered that mindfulness is the missing link between Attachment Theory and Attachment Parenting.

Attachment Parenting practices have to be done mindfully to maintain the parent-child connection

Attachment Parenting is “child-centered” rather than “parent-centered” parenting. Because parents are encouraged to read the cues of their babies, which makes them that safe haven so important from Attachment Theory’s point of view. And the “Seven B’s” are all practices that are biologically designed to foster closeness and connection. But how does a parent maintain the presence to stay emotionally attuned if preoccupied with unresolved issues, triggers, or life in general? The truth is that Attachment Parenting practices have to be accompanied by the application of mindfulness—in order for a felt connection to occur and be maintained. And Mindful Attachment Parenting is an approach that combines both the inner and the outer practices necessary to ensure a secure attachment.

The Zen Mommy MAP bridges the gap between Attachment Parenting and Attachment Theory

The MAP emphasizes self-care and mindfulness exercises to support parents in being able to use Attachment Parenting practices from a place of authentic attunement. Because baby-reading is predicated upon being able to be present. As a result, presence and applying mindfulness to parenting are foundational to parenting in a sensitively responsive way. And if the stress of doing any of these practices is compromising the connection too much for too long, the attachment could suffer. With that in mind, none of the Attachment Parenting practice should come at the cost of keeping the felt connection between you and your child. After appropriate interventions have been exhausted, sometimes one or more of these practices still needs to be adjusted for a family’s unique needs. And I have helped many families to make modifications that support the best bonding possible given their circumstance.   

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Categories: Holistic Psychology, Mindful Attachment Parenting