How to Heal Mom Guilt with Self-Compassion

Molly Holmes, LMFT Author

Posted On Dec 11, 2021 |

Mindful Attachment Parenting was created from evidence-based models and teaches you how to have compassion for yourself and others.

The mom guilt is real

Whether you only suffer from occasional mom guilt or feel like it plagues your parenting relentlessly—the mom guilt is real. It is that pervasive feeling of not doing enough as a parent, not doing all the “right” things, and the constant nagging worry that you are not living up to all of the expectations. And the family, societal, and social media expectations can seem limitless as we try to put on our supermom cape and do it all—only to feel exhausted and very human at the end of the day as we pile on more mom guilt to an already too full plate. But how do we become more mindful, digest all of this, and make feeling good about our parenting more palatable? And how do we learn to sidestep the most common mom guilt traps?

Avoid the “compare and despair” mom guilt trap

You know when you are juggling a million things and then, remember that you agreed to host a dinner but your house is a mess? If you are like me, you temporarily hide some of the messes in the nearest closet or some other hidden space. My bestie and I call this the “fake house”.  Social media is full of “fake house” pictures and stories about life and inspiring parenting idealism. Why am I bringing this up? Because one of the biggest mom guilt traps is comparing ourselves to others and to unrealistic expectations that make us feel like we always come up short. There is the perceived “ideal” and then there is the reality. And we all have different capacities on different days. The snapshot that we see on Instagram, or in the news, or that we read in a book is not the full picture of anyone’s real life.

Mom guilt comes in all shapes and sizes but self-compassion is one-size-fits-all

There is so much inner and outer pressure for mothers today. And we need to find a way to be compassionate with ourselves now more than ever. We are not “bad mothers” because we have not lost the baby weight but we lost our patience when we were sleep deprived. Or because we made mistakes, didn’t know better, or because we struggle to balance our work and home life. Building a secure attachment is about being attuned and sensitively responsive to our children’s needs. It is not about keeping up appearances or faking anything. In fact, kids always pick up on how we are really feeling. This is why being mindful is key to helping them to grow up to be secure. It is the glue that holds it all together regardless of what things look like on the outside. Truly, it is our presence not our performance that our children need more than anything. And when we are preoccupied with mom guilt—we are not present.

Practice mindfulness to move into more self-compassion

The first step to shifting mom guilt into self-compassion is learning to practice mindfulness—which is about remaining present and experiencing yourself and life through a nonjudgmental lens. And through practicing mindfulness regularly, we find our inner pause button. This gives us a precious pause between what is happening and how we choose to respond to it. As a result, we can consciously choose a new way of being with ourselves. Then we can choose self-compassion instead of self-judgment—whenever we feel like we are not meeting whichever expectations rear their ugly heads in our consciousness. Luckily, there are simple skills we can hone to make moving into self-compassion easier.

Cultivating your inner witness helps you kick the self-judgment habit

Two big barriers to having more life satisfaction and to parenting mindfully are our own anxiety and self-judgment as mothers. Letting self-compassion be your new default would be one of the most powerfully life-changing things you could do. Because you deserve to be treated with the same loving kindness that you give to the people you care about. And as we discussed it starts with being mindful. Once you are practicing mindfulness, you can move into cultivating your inner witness so you can neutrally observe your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Then you will discover the quality of your self-talk and how you are truly relating to yourself. Remember that healing mom guilt requires that we first become aware of how we judge ourselves—so we can choose self-compassion instead. And these empowering skills are pillars of the Mindful Attachment Parenting approach.

Mindful Attachment Parenting is about connection, not perfection

Parenting mindfully teaches “good enough” parenting, because there is no “perfect” in the true reality of life and relationships. The closest thing is compassion and mindful acceptance of our perfect imperfection. Our children become secure and resilient through experiencing that everyone can make mistakes, be forgiven, and grow from them—even their mothers, especially their mothers. This is how our inner witness blossoms into our inner compassionate witness, as we learn to feel greater empathy for ourselves and others. And greater compassion creates more healing alchemy for your whole family.

How we speak to our children becomes their inner voice

Are you aware of your inner dialogue? Do you pay attention to the way you talk to yourself? Whether it is kind and supportive or critical and self-defeating, this internal conversation is referred to as self-talk. Often influenced by unconscious beliefs and old experiences, self-talk is how we have learned to relate to ourselves. And how we talk to our inner child is usually how we end up talking to our own children, especially in stressful situations. As a result, how we feel about and speak to our children usually ends up becoming their inner voice.

Being compassionate with ourselves models self-compassion and is a win-win for generations to come!

Thus, learning positive self-talk is essential to breaking the cycle of self-shaming and of passing it on to other generations. By becoming more mindful and cultivating your inner witness, you can choose self-talk that is a lot more compassionate. And then you win and everyone wins because you will have a relationship based on greater loving kindness with yourself, your children, and life in general.

Try this self-compassion exercise and alchemize mom guilt into greater self-acceptance!

First, consider starting and ending your day by holding yourself in Self-Compassion and acknowledgement for all that you do and give each day. Mindfully reflect on three or more qualities about yourself, mindful “win” moments, and or purposeful actions that you are working on or that you do everyday to nurture your family or yourself. Praise yourself for those things and all that you do and all that you are. Allow yourself to pause and experience taking in the self-acknowledgement.

Next, think of a moment in which you may have been hard on yourself. Imagine hugging that part of you to your heart and sending yourself compassion in that challenging moment. Treat yourself as you would your best friend, as if she was sharing with you about a moment in which she was not feeling very zen. You would probably say something like: “It’s okay, you were doing your best and your best IS good enough!” Now hold yourself in that same vibration of Compassionate Loving Kindness. The mantra: “I am enough” is powerful and it is absolutely true! Remember that Mindful Attachment Parenting is all about connection not perfection. And being self-compassionate will keep you connected to your best-self and your kiddo.

Being compassionate with ourselves is an ongoing practice

Truly, things like self-care, mindfulness, and self-compassion are all ongoing practices that we refine over a lifetime. Start wherever you are today and consider trying this self-compassion exercise. Reach out and let me know how it goes for you. I would love to hear from you!

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Categories: : Holistic Psychology, Mindful Attachment Parenting, Self-Care